I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
