It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
