I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
