If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
