I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
