I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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