Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
