Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
