I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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