smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Me too!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
