great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
