Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
