I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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