Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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