apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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