i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Drunk is not a location!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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