sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This house was built for laser tag.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
