I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
