i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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