this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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