I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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