I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
