I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
