I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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