Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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