Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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