My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
