His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
