This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
