I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
