We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
