Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Randomize
