I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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