Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
