I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
