Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
