I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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