I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
