I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
