Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
