made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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