I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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