I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
