new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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