...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
