Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
