3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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