i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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