look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
