i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
