Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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