I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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