I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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