Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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