Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
