The best revenge is premature balding
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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