so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
