Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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