I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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