Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
