I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
