I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
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i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
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I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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